If you read my post Turing Self-loathing into Self-love for Weight loss, Health, and Happiness, then you know that I’m on a health and wellness journey and that I’ve chosen to approach it from a new perspective. In the past, I was always striving for a certain size or for a particular number on the scale. I thought that the best motivation in getting to those goals was berating and belittling myself whenever I gained weight and/or went off course. I couldn’t enjoy social situations, like family parties, because the entire time, I was either willing myself not to eat the treats that I wanted or punishing myself for giving in. It’s an exhausting, and quite frankly, unhealthy way to live. Now, in my 40s, I’m trying to focus on healing my relationship with food, my body, and with movement/exercise. I’m trying to love myself healthy and I promised to share this journey with you.
So, what have I been up to? Well, since my original post, I decided to take a few days and track my food intake. I use an app called Healthi (I’m not affiliated with this company in any way, it’s just honestly the app that I like the most). I’ve tried a bunch of different apps, but I have consistently come back to this one. It’s got a great barcode scanner and food search list. It’s extremely easy to use and adaptable. There are a variety of programs to choose from, as well. Plus, it’s laid out in an easy to read, non-cluttered format, which is imperative to my ADHD brain. I wanted to get a general idea of my daily calorie intake, so I could determine an appropriate calorie deficit. I’m not going to lie, I struggled with this idea, because my focus right now really isn’t on weight loss, necessarily. I mean, if I happen to lose some pounds while on this journey, then great, but I can’t keep defining myself by my weight. Just as with the rest of this journey, I had to shift my line of thinking. This isn’t about weight loss. It’s about respecting my body and nourishing it appropriately. Like it or not, when I track my foods in the Healthi app, I get a better sense of what I’m eating throughout the day.
My current calorie goal is 1800 calories/day, which is realistic for me. I’ve tried much lower calorie counts and they’re just not sustainable for me, personally. One key focus in my new approach is to get more protein into my diet. Not only is it essential for a strong body, but there is research out there that suggests that people with ADHD should aim for 30 grams of protein at each meal to help keep them regulated throughout the day. This has been a huge problem for me, particularly since I can’t eat most dairy products. I learned a few years ago that dairy was the main culprit in my stomach and digestive issues. I can tolerate a slice of cheese on a sandwich or burger, but that’s about it. What’s problematic about that is that most of my protein intake prior to learning that was from dairy. For example, one of my go-to lunches was cottage cheese with a green apple and pineapple tidbits. It was delicious and kept me full. It just didn’t realize at the time that it was also the reason that I had to spend so much quality time with my toilet. I also learned that I can’t have whey protein or any whey isolate for the same reason. So, there went the protein powders that I used to have in my overnight oats. I have tried various plant-based protein powders, but I haven’t found one yet that has the same consistency and flavor as whey based ones. When I put plant-based powders in my overnight oats, it’s more like eating paste the next day—blah!
So, for the last few days, I have been having Silk Greek Yogurt with a serving of protein granola for a total of 20 grams of protein in the morning. While this is quick and easy to throw together and it gets the job done, it’s not my favorite breakfast of all time. I have learned some valuable lessons, though. If I’m not satisfied with my breakfast, my entire morning is thrown off. I will be searching for snacks or candy well before lunch, and that’s not the best option. Also, unless it’s a weekend, I hate cooking breakfast in the morning. I need something that I can grab and eat quickly, otherwise, I will grab something else that likely has low to no nutritional value. Lastly, I much prefer my breakfast to lean sweet and carbohydrate based. Those are the most satisfying to me. Not that I won’t eat me some scrambled eggs on the weekend, but there better be a waffle or a pancake sitting right next to them. I’ve been scouring Pinterest for ideas, but I have yet to come up with one that I like. In the meantime, if you have any suggestions, I’m all ears! Lunch is generally a sandwich on gluten free bread and dinner, lately at least, has been a real toss-up.
I had surgery on my right foot and ankle in August and the recovery has been painfully slow. Because I was non-weightbearing for 4 weeks and only partial weight bearing for another 4, I haven’t been able to get out of the house to grocery shop. Nor have I been able to make dinners, prep meals, or do much of anything, really. We have had incredible help throughout my recovery process, but dinner is just something that has fallen off of the list. My husband is understandably tired when he gets home from work, so our dinners over the last few weeks have consisted of everything from gluten free pizza to take out to sandwiches and cereal. Not ideal, but we ate! Now, I’m a bit more mobile, so I’m hoping to get back to meal planning and prepping soon. Now, I feel compelled to let you in on a secret. I hate meal planning and prepping. Like, I really don’t enjoy it…like at all…ever. I have to give myself extensive and frequent pep talks to get through it, but, again, I have learned that our family eats much better when meals are planned and prepped than when they aren’t. It’s not an activity that feeds my soul, but it does feed a purpose, so I do it.
With my recent surgery, I haven’t been working out, either. Even prior to my surgery, my activity was limited because the pain in my ankle and foot was so bad. I have now progressed to a lace up ankle brace and I’m getting around much better, but I still have weeks of physical therapy ahead of me. Plus, with 8 weeks on my butt, my endurance and stamina have really taken a hit. Needless to say, I won’t be doing high impact aerobics or hiking anytime soon. I am currently on the hunt for exercise programs that I can do seated, or that I can adapt to seated. As I find videos and try them out, I’ll share them here along with any modifications that I make. As a disclaimer, I wouldn’t recommend going and changing a workout willy-nilly. I’m an occupational therapist (OT) by trade, so I have more than adequate training on how to adapt exercises and activities as that is one of the fundamental pillars of being an OT.
While I’m quite comfortable with modifying or adapting exercises, I’m still not entirely sure that I’ll have much of a routine, per se. I have a broken relationship with exercise, so it’s important to me to move in ways that make me smile. Many of the activities that I previously enjoyed, like walking outside or on a treadmill, are not possible at the moment, so I have to establish some alternatives. Again, I’m not exactly sure what my exercise routine will look like, or if it will be a routine at all. What I do know is that if I’m doing something that I find difficult or painful, or if I find myself obsessing over perfect execution over having fun, I will not be keeping that exercise in my rotation. I am letting go of the days where I used exercise as a punishment, so that will mean letting go of exercises that bring back those maladaptive thoughts or mindsets.
If it isn’t already clear, I don’t have an exact plan yet. Figuring that out will be part of my journey. While that might seem counterintuitive, here’s how I’m thinking about it. I’ve done the programs. I’ve picked “start” dates and laid out a plan of action. I’ve already been there and done that, but they never made me happy. Instead, I would get frustrated when I followed a program perfectly for weeks, but didn’t see any progress show up on the scale. I would wallow and rage about it, give up and binge eat, or just let my diet go completely for a few days. Then, I would get mad at myself for doing all of that. My point is, the outlines, the plans, and the programs, put me into a vicious cycle of chasing perfection, getting depressed when I fell short, allowing myself to binge eat, and then punishing myself for it. That will not be everyone’s experience. Some people thrive on structure and without a plan, they don’t know what to do next. For my personal headspace, though, I’ve never found it helpful. In fact, it was usually quite the opposite. When I decided to approach this new way of thinking about my health, I knew that this was one of the factors that had to change. I have already done this cycle over and over again without success, so why do I keep doing it? How did I expect myself to change without making changes to my approach?
In this new chapter, I might lose weight, and I might not. That’s not really that important to me right now. I’m learning to show my body gratitude for what it’s been through and accomplished and I’m working on accepting it just as it is. I deserve that. Withholding self-love, self-worth, or overall happiness until I lost a certain amount of weight was stupid; it just took me several decades to realize that. Going forward, my main priority is safeguarding my mental health and building a stronger, healthier body. What I do need is a place to be accountable. A place to check in with myself and ensure that I’m staying on course—whatever I chose that course to be. If you want to travel along this road with me, please feel free. There’s no judgement here! So, if you’d like to, come as you are and we’ll journey towards inner peace together.