Emotional eating, which is eating as a coping strategy to handle stress or intense feelings instead of physical hunger, is, was, and always has been one of my biggest struggles. Food is a major part of our lives and a lot of our social interactions center around it. In addition to our cultural events being food centric, I also have my own faulty neurological wiring and genetics that contribute to my case. So, not only was I taught that food is comfort, I also have a dopamine deprived brain that seeks it out.
We’re conditioned to use food as a coping mechanism through media, as well. What happens when a female character in a movie, show, or book who is in the middle of a breakup? She’s either alone or commiserating with her friends over a pint of ice cream and chocolate. If we look at this from a physiological standpoint, it makes sense, right? When we feel sad, our brains will seek out ways to improve our dopamine levels and what readily does that? Food! I have a suspicion that many of us who struggle with binge eating, disordered eating, and/or eating based on emotion instead of hunger, properly have a history of dysregulated neurotransmitters. It’s just a theory and I have no concrete facts to back it up, so please recognize it for what it is—my opinion. For example, I have ADHD—my dopamine levels aren’t right in general. In fact, individuals with ADHD are 4x more likely to develop disordered eating, or a drug or alcohol dependency as they try to self-medicate brains that are fundamentally different than those of the general population. Even before I knew that I had ADHD, I was grateful that my intense sense of morality and people-pleasing led me to food instead of experimenting with substances. Similarly, though, I have a dependence on an outside source for handling my emotions. It’s way easier to scarf down a couple of donuts than it is to unpack why you feel the way that you feel.
In addition to my ADHD, I’m also a wife, an occupational therapist, and a mom. I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge the unique emotional circumstances that come with those things. I’m going to run through a few examples—see if any of these resonate with you. You get home from a rough day at work and decide to order pizza because you don’t have the emotional capacity to make a nutritious dinner. You follow up dinner with dessert because, one- you already blew up your diet by eating pizza, and two- you deserve it for making it through work without un-aliving anyone. Does that sound familiar to anyone? How about this one? It’s 10:00 at night and for the first time all day, you feel like you can breathe. The kids are in bed after a whirlwind evening of sports practices, homework, bath times, and bedtimes. You sit down to take stock, and you realize that your house looks like a bomb went off, the trash should probably be emptied, and you haven’t done the dishes or switched over that load of laundry. Instead of getting up to do any of those things, you go raid the pantry. Once snacks have been selected you sit back down letting the exhaustion of the day take over. You’re overwhelmed, out of energy, and facing a never-ending to-do list. For a few precious minutes, sitting down and enjoying that snack without interruption feels like bliss. Sound familiar to anyone?
For those of us who have been on some sort of diet for decades, we know all of the preferred activities that should take the place of emotional eating. For example, read a book, go take a shower or a bath, brush your teeth to deter yourself from eating, move to a location in your house that’s further away from the kitchen or pantry, or, my personal favorite, go exercise. These things are great ideas and they’re completely valid options for avoiding emotional eating. I always found that the issue with these things is that they’re not immediate. I have to stop the process of my impulsive brain and get it to switch tracks. While that’s a valid skill to learn, when I’m upset or overwhelmed, my brain is in more of a survival state than a rational one. Do I wish that this survival state prompted me to run, like it’s supposed to? Sure, but that’s not how my brain works. I’m more of a “here, sit down and eat this slice of cake” kind of person. I’m not sure when that particular brain chemistry entered the evolutionary picture of the human mind, but given the obesity numbers in the United States, alone, I know I’m not alone on this one. So, what have I learned about myself and emotional eating over the years and why did I sit down to write this post? I’m so glad that you asked, let me tell you!
This might sound counter-intuitive, but I now give myself permission to stress-eat. Before we get into the nuances of that choice, let’s talk about food noise. If you aren’t’ familiar with “food noise”, then congratulations, you probably have never had disordered eating or body dysmorphia. Here’s a quick example, though. Let’s say I am at work and it’s someone’s birthday. There’s a delicious looking cake and I decide not to eat any because I was trying to be “good” and stay in my calorie range. I was trying to prove to myself that I had willpower and was in control. Instead, I would think about that cake for the rest of the damn day, until I was alone in the evening doing paperwork and I couldn’t resist it anymore. So, instead of the reasonable piece of cake that I probably would have had at lunch, I cut a huge slice and then spend the rest of the night feeling all sorts of ways for caving. Anger, shame, guilt, and frustration are just a few of the emotions that would roll through me for the remainder of the day. I had lost the better part of my day to thinking about cake. That’s a pretty sucky way to live. So, I had to sit down with myself and have a no holds barred discussion with myself about it. Was it my fault that my brain was wired that way? Of course not, but it was my responsibility to change it if I wasn’t happy with it.
Would you walk up to a smoker who’s stressed the f out and say, “instead of smoking, why don’t you take a walk?” Or, would you go up to said smoker and say, “I see you’re smoking. I thought you were trying to cut back?” Of course, you wouldn’t! Likewise, the smoker probably doesn’t deal with thoughts of shame or guilt for smoking during a time of stress. Those of us who eat emotionally can and do struggle with thoughts of guilt and shame regarding this. Mostly, because we’ve been shamed or judged at some point in our lives for being overweight. We’ve been told that it’s because we lack self-control or willpower. Let’s be real, though. Do you think that overweight people are the only ones who let their emotions dictate what they eat? See the breakup example in the opening paragraph—no! Culturally, we’re taught that food is comfort. When we’re sick, we want the chicken noodle soup and crackers that our mom always made for us. When we have a broken heart— ice cream and chocolate, please. When we’re celebrating— bring on the cake and other treats. Holidays? Name one that doesn’t come with some pre-conceived mentality that involves food. Christmas calls for cookies and hot chocolate. Valentine’s Day— chocolate and treats. St. Patrick’s Day— green beer, or a green milkshake from McDonald’s. So, no, overweight people are not the only ones who eat based on emotion, environment, or circumstance. We’re just the ones judged for it because it shows in our bodies.
So, yes, as the years have progressed, I began giving myself permission to stress eat. I made a conscious decision to let go of my diet standards for a finite amount of time and not judge or belittle myself for it. That was a huge step for me in claiming my freedom from food. While I’m not completely there, I have made a lot of progress. I have also learned to separate my daily overwhelms from my over-arching ones. For example, I am overwhelmed daily when I’m making dinner. I am trying to get a meal together while my kids are talking to me, my dog is at my feet waiting for me to drop something, and I’m trying to talk to my husband on the phone. While I’m in the midst of that shitstorm, I am going to be overwhelmed. My body is going to tell me that it’s stressed. So, the first thing that I started to do was to tell people that I was overwhelmed or didn’t have the brain capacity for what they wanted me to do. It would be as simple as telling one of my kids, “I can’t help you with that right now because I’m making dinner, but I will gladly help you with your homework after we eat.” That probably seems easy or obvious to some of you, but to a recovering people-pleaser like me, that was revolutionary! I can’t do it all at once, so I stopped setting that as a standard for myself. I also found that it helps to keep gum in the kitchen. As an OT, I know that chewing can be alerting and regulating to the nervous system, so that’s a quick and easy tactic to employ.
However, when an overarching issue comes into play, I allow myself to stress-eat. Overarching overwhelms are the big things that take place over days, week, or months. For example, if you’re an accountant, tax season is going to be stressful! If you work in a hospital, the summer months are known for higher rates of traumatic events. Or, maybe one of your kids is struggling socially or academically in school. In those periods of time, I make a conscious decision. I acknowledge that I’m not going to get over the issue in an hour or two; and I set up a times to both fall off of and get back on the wagon, so to speak. If I’m having a stressful week at work due to deadlines or meetings, I might tell myself, “Tuesday and Wednesday are going to be the worst, so I will allow myself to eat without judgement those two days. Thursday, things will start to die down, so I’ll go back to mindful eating Thursday morning.” This gives me the power. I have power over food; food does not have power over me.
While this has been an approach that has helped me achieve and sustain a healthier mindset, I have to discuss the long-game overwhelms here. The ones where a loved one is battling cancer, or you’re now the caregiver of a parent newly diagnosed with dementia, or you have a child with a disability—you get the picture. In these cases, your stress level is chronically high and focusing on your own health slides deeper and deeper on the bottomless list of responsibilities. I feel for you. I really do, and while some super-humans out there can take on all of these things and still wake up at 5 AM every day to get in a workout, that’s just not the case for many of us. That bone-deep exhaustion will take over and, from there, it can be a slippery slope into depression.
While I have a blessed life and I don’t at all consider myself in the same categories as special needs parents or caregivers, I have experienced prolonged depression. If I could give one piece of advice, it would be to get counseling from a licensed mental health professional. Before you get your panties in a twist, I realize that this seemingly contradicts my previous statement about not having the time or energy for self-care. Hear me out, though. With the onset of telehealth, it’s easier than ever to find a counselor who can work with your schedule, and you don’t necessarily need to go to an office setting if that doesn’t work for you. If you can give yourself 30-60 minutes a week to unload on an impartial party, it will make a huge difference. Suddenly, you’re not carrying the load alone, and you may get some tricks, tips, medication recommendations, and/or advice that works with your life. Those are the things that will help you replace the mindset of emotional eating from shame and judgement, to acceptance and praise. Maybe you make a healthy lunch choice in the hospital cafeteria, or you choose baked chips over regular in the vending machine, or maybe you really needed that chocolate chip cookie today and you sat down and ate it peacefully instead of shoving it in your mouth and feeling guilty about it later. Progress is progress and better is better. You deserve to pat yourself on the back for those choices instead of further weighing yourself down with negativity. Sometimes, all we can do is our best in the circumstances that we’re in. We have to stop convincing ourselves that “our best” is routinely not good enough. Give yourself the same grace that you would extend to a friend in the same situation.
Emotional eating, or any form of disordered eating, is not something that vanishes overnight. It does take intentional, consistent work to get to the roots of those conditions, but you are worth the time investment. If you don’t have time now because of the circumstances that you’re in, try to find one thing a day to congratulate yourself over, or find one negative thought pattern to work on each month and every day, make it a little less negative than it was the day before. Let’s be real, some days that “win” that you’re congratulating yourself over might be, “hey, the kids and I all survived today!” or “I held it together when my mom with dementia was yelling at me!” The wins are there, we’ve just been conditioned not to look for them because we’ve normalized barely hanging in there. Find your wins, give yourself grace, and even if it’s for 10 minutes a day, invest in yourself. As you find your footing, you, too will realize that you control food. It does not control you. Wishing you all love and light! –Lorie