Hey ya’ll! I figured that I should drop in and let you know how things are going. I mean, they’re going…somewhere….not to the goals that I’ve outlined for myself, but you know….somewhere. The thing is, I have no shortage of reasons why I want to start exercising and eating better. I would like to be able to walk from my basement to my second floor without getting winded. Have you ever seen Zombie Land? What’s rule number one? Cardio! In my current state, I would just sit my ass down and let the zombies eat me. I mean, really, with my crap ankles, I’m not gonna get that far either way, but it would be nice to know that if the Zombie apocalypse does come that I would at least have the lung capacity to try to run to safety. Another reason that I would like to be more fit is because I’m not getting any younger and my body already feels like it’s been hit by a truck most days. Yesterday, for example, I woke up with right hip and knee pain. Why? I seriously think it was because I slept too long on my right side the night before. Do you understand that significance of that? I am now of an age where I can hurt myself by sleeping. Nothing is a bigger kick in the pants than realizing your body hurts from you literally doing the least active thing that you can do. Who decided that should ever be a thing? I mean, seriously, what kind of sick joke is that?
In addition to the random sleep injuries, I have chronic low back pain and I know that if I want it to go away, or at least not be a daily factor in my life, I need to strengthen my lower body and my abs. I’m not looking for a six pack over here or to be able to squat a couch, but I would like my back not to hurt or feel stiff all of the time. I want to start lifting weights not to bulk up, but because I’ve been on asthma medication for over 20 years and one of the side effects is osteoporosis. That’s right, I’m old enough that I start thinking about my bone density all by myself. Weight bearing exercises help strengthen bones, so I feel like it would be a good thing to add into my routine. Additionally, I know that regular exercise and a good diet will go a long way in helping to regulate my ADHD. It would also be really nice to set a good example for my children in the hopes that they develop better relationships with their bodies than I have with mine.
So, with all of these goals front and center in my mind, why can’t I get my shit together? You would think someone was asking me to hike Everest barefoot with the amount of procrastinating I’m doing trying to put together an exercise routine and a meal plan. Like most folks–I guess I want the results without having to do the work. That would be nice, wouldn’t it? Unfortunately, I’ve been waiting a long time and no one has bippity-bopped-booped my body into Jillian Michaels territory, so that’s probably not going to happen. I don’t have the best relationship with dieting and now that I can’t eat gluten or most dairy, I don’t have many foods that I actually enjoy eating anymore. I think the bigger issue for me, though, is that I have spent so many years overthinking everything that I ate and drank that I just don’t want to do it anymore. I want to eat what I want without having to justify it to myself or feeling guilty about it. I’m just so over calorie counting, losing weight only to gain it back, judging myself by the number on the scale, and generally feeling like a failure. So…what am I doing now?
Now, I’m trying to sit with those emotions and decide what I really want. If I want a healthy, non-aching body, then I have to make changes; I have to do the work. To turn singular changes into new habits, I will actually have to repeat them over and over. I know this. Knowledge isn’t the problem. I really don’t need one more article, book, program, or app telling me how to lose weight. I know what my “perfect plate” should look like, I know about micros and macros, I know about caloric deficits, and how to use your hand and fingers to measure portion sizes. I have been through years and years of that education. Knowledge about it is not my problem. The problem is getting motivated to do something that I’ve never been able to do successfully before. Even though my focus really isn’t on weight loss, it’s like my brain is now hard-wired to resist anything that looks even remotely like a diet. I know that might seem like I’m blowing smoke here, and I’m not saying I’d be disappointed if I lost weight, but it really isn’t my driving force right now. I’ve worked really hard to unravel myself from the line of thinking that led me to believe that I wasn’t worth as much if/when I was heavier. As if a number can determine your worth as a human being, or that it should have any influence on being able to receive love, respect, happiness, and common curtesy. It has taken me years to rectify the damage that societal thought pattern has done to my psyche and I honestly don’t want to go back there. But, even shifting my personal perspective from “get thin” to “get healthy” hasn’t helped kick me into gear.
Unfortunately, my healthcare providers are really hung up on my weight and are pushing weight loss drugs my way. Luckily, those drugs have been on back-order for months, so I haven’t had to go down that road yet. Don’t get me wrong–get healthy however you need to get healthy. I don’t care if that involves Ozempic or some other weight loss drug, a surgery, or just a gym membership. I don’t think it’s anyone else’s business what you did to lose weight (so long as it wasn’t anything physically, mentally, or emotionally harmful), let alone their right to judge you for it. That’s ridiculous. My personal issue with weight loss medicine is that I’m not excited to stick myself with a needle on a daily basis, nor am I game to experience any potential side effects of the medication–particularly nausea and diarrhea. If you knew my family, you’d know that we are the people that they write those little pamphlets that come with some drugs for. We’re just genetically weird and if there’s an adverse reaction to be had, typically someone in my family has experienced it. On the flip side, I always feel like my mom’s genetic line is all of the proof that I need that a higher power exists. If this was all about survival of the fittest, that genetic line would have been wiped out eons ago. Having lived so much of my life with anxiety, I’m very familiar with, and very tired of the “nervous stomach” situation. Now that my anxiety is moving into normal people territory, I’m really not looking forward to that physical discomfort being a part of my daily life again.
If I’m being totally honest, when my doctor suggested medication, it made me feel like a failure. You would think that for someone who has tried everything and never had lasting success that I would be grateful for the chance to take something that might make that process easier. I wasn’t though. Instead, it almost felt like a punishment for not being able to do it on my own. Like someone was telling me, “look you can’t handle doing this, so I’m going to do it for you.” The stubborn, independent, prove people wrong side of me really flared up after that appointment, but instead of pushing me to action, I just felt defeated. That defeat has been the primary feeling of “blah” that’s been surrounding me lately–especially in regard to this wellness initiative that I wanted to start for myself. I find myself getting stuck in the all-too-familiar loop of, “nothing I do matters anyway, so I mine as well have what I want!” quickly followed by, “you can’t say that you want a healthier lifestyle and make zero effort to get there.” Both statements are true and I feel kind of stuck between them. Have any of you ever been in that kind of funk? What did you do to get out of it?
Another kicker in this whole thing is that movement has typically been my focus whenever I start a new weight loss journey, wellness journey, etc. I realize that you should focus on the food that you’re fueling yourself with first, but I felt like I could jump right into exercise. Consciously prepping food and planning meals takes way more effort, sure, but I also liked moving around. Now, having just had surgery on my right foot and ankle, that lower extremity has been out of commission for a while. All of the extra stress that my left leg took on has now resulted in horrible plantar fasciitis in my left foot. Standing still is painful, walking too long is painful, and I doing things like getting up/down from the floor is painful. I can’t even walk through Target without cursing at least one of my feet. Target! The one place where all women should be able to take a leisurely stroll while drinking expensive coffee and loading up on things we don’t need.
Prior to surgery, I would have a few days a week where I would just pick a YouTube playlist and rock out while I was cleaning my house. It was productive and exercisey, and I do love an efficient task. I can’t do that so much right now. My cleaning stints have to be pretty short, or I have to take an extended sitting break in the middle of them to let the burning in my ankles and in the sole of my left foot subside. I really only started physical therapy for my ankle in late November and by that time, what was happening? BOOM! Happy Holidays! Because nothing is easier than deciding that you need to get your mental, physical, and spiritual alignment in check when you’re inundated with events that revolve around stress and food! Thanksgiving, Friendsgiving, cookie exchanges, holiday fundraisers with pies and chocolate, Christmas parties, and on and on it goes. Plus, you know, as a mom, it also comes with doing the shopping, wrapping the gifts, hiding the elf, decorating the house, and generally brining all of the holiday magic to the proverbial table while still taking the kids to afterschool activities, doing the homework, maintaining the house, and all of the other regular stuff we do. Honestly, I’m lucky because my husband really does get involved in all of it. We’re a team and I know how blessed I am to have that. All women, no–really all people, deserve that from their partners, but I know that not everyone gets it.
The point is, this time of year is stressful and most of us are just trying to keep our heads above water. We’re trying to do all of the adult stuff that we need to do, while also trying to take some time to enjoy ourselves, as well, and it’s a lot. There’s a reason that January is the month to start getting into shape. We all think it’s because of the common New Year’s resolution to be healthier, but, really, what else are you doing in January? It’s dark when you leave for work, it’s dark when you get home from work, the between hours are usually gray, and it’s just a sad, depressing month. The excitement of the holidays is over and you’re back to work and your normal stuff and it just kind of sucks all around. So, it’s a perfect time to shift your focus to a personal goal. That’s likely we’re I’ll find myself, again, this year (well, next year, but you know what I’m saying). In the meantime, I’m trying to practice giving myself grace and I’m trying to really visualize what I want and what changes I’m willing to make. I’ll keep you posted on what I figure out. Until then, I wish you a very happy holiday season and all of the very best in the New Year. See ya then!