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I remember the exact moment my body image issues started. I was sitting poolside with a friend, and she looked at my stomach and she looked at hers. Then she said, “see how I have tiny lines on my stomach when I sit down? That means that I’m skinny. See how you have big rolls? That means you’re fat.” I was only seven or eight years old, but that was the soft launch of what would be decades of self-loathing, body dysmorphia, and a disordered relationship with food and exercise.
It has taken me years to transform my thinking about my body, movement, and food. I wouldn’t say that I’m all the way to self-love and body confidence yet, but I am certainly further along than I was. About four years ago, my primary care physician (PCP) was really on my case about losing weight. From a medical perspective, I understand the concerns that come with obesity, however, I was working really hard and not getting anywhere. I was tracking my calorie intake, doing HIIT exercises at least three times a week, and walking 7-10,000 steps on my days off of the HIIT program. Plus, as a mom of three, I felt like I was in constant motion trying (in vain, might I add) to keep my house from looking like a bomb had gone off. I had also cut gluten and dairy out of my diet after finding that the former caused intense joint pain and migraines. The latter caused horrible digestive upset. So, there I was, still fat, no longer enjoying my favorite foods—which were all gluten and dairy based—and still getting shit on by my doctor for the aforementioned fatness. Also, let’s take a minute and ask, why do doctors feel the need to make such an issue about your weight? I know I’m fat! I live in this body every day. Don’t assume I’m not trying just because I’m not getting the results that you want. I’m not getting the results that I want, either! It would be great if, instead of pointing out the obvious, they helped you formulate a game plan instead.
This was the point I had finally gotten to with my PCP and she referred me to an outpatient bariatric clinic in our city to explore non-surgical interventions for weight loss. I really had high hopes that I might get some answers from this practice. I expected to have blood work taken and for my thyroid function to be checked. I expected to be able to really discuss my efforts with them and maybe talk with a nutritionist. I met with the practitioner once and I didn’t get any of those things. After listening to my story for a few minutes, she told me that I would never lose weight without a weight loss drug, but that drug was in short supply, and no one could afford it. I was flabbergasted. Clearly, I wasn’t going to get any of the answers I was seeking. I left that appointment in tears and with a deep, sinking feeling that I was truly on my own here.
Because I have had an issue with my weight my entire life, I’m no stranger to the variety of diets, exercise programs, and apps that are targeted to overweight people. I’ve tried many of them, but ultimately, I never got anywhere. After countless failed attempts to lose weight, I had to sit down and have a come to Jesus conversation with myself. That contemplation led to two realizations: First, I considered that my ADHD might have more to do with my eating patterns than I had ever thought. I decided to pursue therapy and formal diagnosis so that I could explore that notion further. That diagnostic process was a doozy, so I’ll have to share about that another time! The second thing that I realized was that I had always tried to hate myself thin. I had a long line of criticisms for myself and a solid method of self-loathing thinking that it would motivate my efforts, and I’d finally reach that goal weight. What I had never tried, though, was loving myself healthy. Not once did those weight loss efforts come from a place of loving myself, being grateful for the body that grew and gave birth to three children, or from a sense of pursuing happiness instead of a size.
I started to think about what a happy me would look and feel like and what I wanted for myself. I realized that I wanted a strong body. Being “skinny” is no longer important to me, I want some muscle definition! I want my body to stop aching, so a happy me would have a solid routine of stretching, yoga, or Pilates. Happy Lorie would move how she wanted to move. No more doing HIIT exercises that I hate. I want to do cardio that brings a smile to my face! This hoop that I got off of Amazon was inspired by that thought (https://sovrn.co/6lvlwnr) and I have to say, it has worked! I haven’t had this much fun exercising in a long time. I have a big smile on my face every time I do it! A happy Lorie would also have a healthy relationship with food with a focus on nourishing myself, but allowing freedom to enjoy the good stuff, too.
I felt like I was working toward the right approach. Like I had finally cracked the code that I had been looking for. Unfortunately, not long after that realization, my right ankle decided to give out. I went through months of not being able to go for walks (a happy Lorie activity), or do much else that I enjoyed (bye, for now, hoop! I could no longer shift my weight from foot to foot to keep it going) because the pain in my foot and ankle was too significant. In August of 2024, I had surgery to repair the mess that was my ankle and foot. Now, over six weeks later, I have finally started physical therapy and I’m starting to feel like mission, Happy, Healthy Lorie can continue. It has taken me much longer than I expected to get to this point. The good news is that, now, I have a platform where I can take you with me on the journey!
If the billion-dollar diet industry has taught me anything, it’s that I am far from alone on this journey and that there are a lot of women/moms out there facing the same challenges that I am. Be that as it may, we all have to start somewhere, and I think lifting each other up and sharing what has worked for us is as good a place to start as any. So, if you’re also of the mindset that it’s time to stop hating yourself because you had a piece of cake and start loving who you are and the container that you live in, join me. Let’s see what we find at the end of our diet ropes.